if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
