Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
