she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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