there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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