Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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