So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize