We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
