At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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