I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
