I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize