you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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