if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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