i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize