M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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