So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
