they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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