There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize