Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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