You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
