Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
