You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
