The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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