Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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