y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
