life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize