proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
