Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
