shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
