I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
