I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
