Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
