I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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