I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
