im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
