This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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