How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
