So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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