Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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