good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I am one with the molecules
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
