Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
