I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
