Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
