I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
