I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize