There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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