Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Randomize
