i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
