I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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