i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
