Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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