Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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