I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
