idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
