why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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