I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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