He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My life is pants optional.
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