Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
