woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
